I don't know why the most random and ridiculous things set me off.

Today, I went to get an eye exam since I'm out of contacts. The eye doctor there is very old, well past retirement age. At first I pitied him. Then this little old man was carefully and very slowly cleaning the equipment while I looked around his office and saw pictures everywhere of him with his beautiful wife and kids. Suddenly, I envied him. I actually teared up out of nowhere vicariously living through this man who got to watch his children grow to adults and stand beside his wife through it. Why some and not others? Why you? Why me? I try to stay away from those why questions but sometimes they really sneak up on me.

One of the hardest things for me to do right now is look ahead. All those dreams of growing old with you are shattered and I can't see through all the debris left behind. We're never going to get to take a family picture when are children grow into adults. Hell, I'll never even have a full family photo since Carter and you never got the chance to be on the earth at the same time. The weight of that reality is seriously hard to swallow. 

I had to explain my story to a random banker today. I hate doing that, it's always so awkward, and I always get the strangest looks from people. But of course I do, I'm too young to be a widow. And today was mild since I didn't have the kids with me - when I'm toting 3 kids around, sometimes jaws drop. 

This whole charade is really getting old. I'd just like a day where my life doesn't feel like it's spinning out of control or falling apart. This ride is supposed to slow down soon, I hear. 

I miss you baby. All I ever wanted was to grow old with you. 
I love you always and forever.

-from "Blessing for Mothers" - the last gift I received from my brother before he died
DAY 20: Never Apart
"She never quite leaves her children at home, even when she doesn't take them along." - MARGARET CULKIN BANNING

Once you are a mother, your children become such a part of you that you take them with you everywhere - even when they're really home with Dad feasting on caffeinated soda and dessert before dinner.

I wish.


Rachel said...

I'm so sorry for this crazy, intense "ride" that you're on. My advice is, don't will it to slow down, it WILL but it will happen in a moment of "Hey, I haven't (fill in the blank) for a couple days or a week." And you'll suddenly realize that the ride is less intense. But try not to hope for it, it will happen unexpectedly. I don't know if that makes sense. Please know I pray for you and your children often. Love and comfort to you today.

Desi said...

Hugs to you, Vee! It's ok to be envious of that life that you had planned out. It's ok to feel!!! I wish I could give you a great big hug and wipe all of your pain away.


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