8.20.2011

vincible

I remember when Caleb made this and asked me to take a picture of his drawing of you to send to Heaven. Apparently, you have really long legs.





I had an interesting conversation with Caleb the other day, which is not an unusual occurrence. 


We were swimming in the pool together, and he suddenly got very quiet and sad. I said "What's up buddy, you look a little sad. Is everything ok?" He says "I miss my daddy. I thought he was gonna come to Aunt Karen's to swim."
"But Daddy's in Heaven bud, why did you think he'd come swimming with us?"
"I thought Daddy would stay alive until we came here."
"I wish that were true. He'd sure have fun with us, wouldn't he?"
"Yeah. I thought my daddy was the strongest in the whole wide world. One-hundred strong (he uses 100 as the biggest quantity he can understand)."
"Your daddy was very strong. I'm so sad he can't play with us today."


For some reason, this conversation made total sense to me. Caleb looked up to you the way any little boy looks up to his daddy. You were his hero, his role-model, the man he wanted to be when he grows up. No one is bigger or stronger than daddy. Surely a man of that magnificence can't die - Daddies are invincible. He is crushed that his hero isn't what he thought he was. I find myself realizing this on a daily basis because it's still so unbelievable to me that you're gone. And Caleb was realizing the same thing. 


My fear is that he is recognizing you aren't coming back and trying to find another hero. I'm doing my best to make sure that slot will always be yours. I'm thankful he has other role models, but I want him to always remember that you were a great man and that I hope he does grow up to be just like you. Just like I will do myself to make that real for Carter too. I tell him about you constantly, and try to show him pictures of you often. He loves to grab your ring on my necklace, and every time he does, I always tell him "da-da" to make sure he makes the connection. Maybe it's nothing, but it makes me feel like I'm doing something.


I miss you babe. I really thought you were invincible too. 
I love you with everything that I am.




-from "Blessing for Mothers" - the last gift I received from my brother before he died
DAY 14: Faith and Hope
"Pride is on of the seven deadly sins; but it cannot be the pride of a mother in her children, for that is compound of two carinal virtues--faith and hope. -CHARLES DICKENS
Faith-believing what you cannot see; and hope-an optimistic expectations...What would mothering be without them? Impossible.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I've heard you tell Carter that a couple times when he touches Jeremy's ring and I'm very glad you do; it makes me smile!
~Mary

Anonymous said...

Well sweet girl, I am so sorry that you miss your love so much. I too am suddenly alone due to an accident. Sadly, our lives are much more peaceful now - calm, easy and actually happier. I did love my husband . . . but life seems better now - and that is so sad. I have three kids and another on the way - although I am worried and anxious about raising them alone, it is better than the confusing strife they were having to deal with before. I am working hard to create happy memories of their Dad for them, capitalizing on the good times and hoping that they will have a Father-image that seems positive to them in time. You are a lucky woman to have had such a stellar man as your companion. I wish you fine days ahead and know that you will do well. The grief seems to change, evolve and oddly, get easier, over time. Take care, RJ.

My Husband's Watching TV... said...

Tell Caleb that's a great drawing. Hugs and prayers my friend!

Jo Julia said...

Oh it's so hard- conversations like these with these little kids. i wish they didn't have to understand death at such a young age. it is probably the most torturous thing to me about all of this- besides everything else. :) you know what i mean. xxoo

Desi said...

I guess none of us are invincible when it comes to death. We all are vulnerable to it. But at the same time, he is the strongest, most invincible, hero of a man ... because he was that for you and your kids. And that's all that matters.

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