one day

I don't know why, but I've had a tough day today. I've hurt for you more than usual. It's become a dull ache now most of the time, but not today. I'm not sure what brought it on. I had a productive morning tackling appointments, making phone calls, catching up with life since we've been traveling so much. Out of nowhere, I got the urge to look through old stuff, and came across this icard you sent. I've read it before and even posted it before, but today it crushed me and stopped me in my tracks.

"One day baby! I'm going to give you everything" The words were so thick in my throat, they just sat there. At first I was maddened by the fact that this statement will never be true and I was angry with God for not letting you keep your promise - because I know without a doubt you would have. Then I realized it might be true, because I know you are still trying to protect me and give me and the kids a good life. And it killed me to think about those dreams we had possibly coming true without you. I know you are trying to watch over me baby and I'm so sorry that I can't see past all this pain to appreciate the good. I'm trying, I really am. 

I finally cashed in on my massage gift certificate I've had for months today. But just when I was looking forward to relaxing and taking a breath, I laid there silently crying because images of the night you died kept replaying over and over. It's like when you try not to think about something and you end up thinking about it more. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get it out of my head. The sound of Sarah's voice crying to Jodie on the phone that you were dead. The helpless look on Jon's face as we sat in the ambulance trying to digest that this was all real. The screams and sobs of my mother. These sounds and images were haunting me today. I wish I knew why.

I've felt devastated and defeated without you today. I hate how much this still sucks.
I miss you so bad it hurts.
I love you always and forever.

-from "Blessing for Mothers" - the last gift I received from my brother before he died
DAY 17: Good Advice
"Do all the good you can, in all the way you can, to all the souls you can, in every place you can, at all the times you can, with all the zeal you can, as long as every you can." -JOHN WESLEY

What an extraordinary approach to life to teach our children - especially by example.


Liza said...

Vee, I have been following your blog for months. I am/was a young widow myself and you echo so many of the feelings I have. I have looked for your email but cannot find it on this site. I think, given what I know, that we are not too far from each other distance-wise. If you are willing, I would love to chat sometime. This journey we are on is such a long and at times lonely one.


Brooke said...

This post really touched me. I'm so sorry you had a bad day. sending you virtual hugs and warm thoughts, and hoping today is a little better for you.

kendra said...

girl,i know we don't know why things happen the way they do,and i am SO sorry that ya'll have had to deal with this.KNOW that we all send tons of hugs to you & your kids!i know you don't personally know me,but im always here for you! =) much love! & also,i really think you should write a book,you have such a way of putting things &,you really are an amazing writer! & have so many people following you on blogspot to see how your day went..God bless!

Glenda said...

Thinking of you and the kiddos.
peace and strength

Anonymous said...

Please hang in there. You are such a wonderful mother to those little beauties. Lean on your family and friends, reach up to Him and out to Jer and feel peace.

Anonymous said...

You don't know me very well, but I read your blog almost every time you post. I have learned so much from you and I cherish so much more these days. Because of you I have found learned to be more patient and loving with my family. You really are not only inspiring, but your writing is life changing. Thank you for being willing to open your heart and share it with the world.

Liza said...

and because I am so wise to reach out and then fail to leave my email... brookeylou@gmail.com



Related Posts with Thumbnails