I wish I could figure out how the kids are processing you not being here anymore. It comes out in bits and pieces. Some are hilarious, like when they recall funny moments with you. The other day, Caleb suddenly remembered that they jokingly called you "Uncle Jer" to tease you - I could tell he was proud to recall that memory. Then Faith piped in and reminded him that they extended the title to "Uncle Jeremy Allen" when you tooted and didn't say excuse me. BTW, thanks for the fact that the kids memories of you usually involve flatulence. I know you're cracking up right now.

Some moments are tender and sweet. When I tucked Caleb in for nap today, I laid beside him and he said "I wanna talk about Daddy for a minute." Sometimes now I think he does it cause he knows I'll bite since I love talking about you and he'll get to stay up later. I asked him what he wanted to talk about, he said "Daddy and Uncle Brian in Heaven." He continues to have me explain how each of you died, something he regularly does, and then talks about what he misses. 

Some moments of their grief are gut-wretching. Faith talked about your beard today and how she misses it and asked me if she liked it when she was a baby. And she tells me that she's sad inside, but doesn't show it outside. That's hard for me cause I totally get it.

And saw this as my status on this day last year:

listening to one of my favorite sounds in the world: the kids wrestling with their daddy. =]

It has and will always be one of my favorite sounds. I don't have it on video much which really makes me sad, but it seems to replay clear in my head tonight. I miss that beautiful sound. There was nothing sweeter.

I love you, baby.
I miss you more than ever.

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