a broken heart

Right now, I am loving the sidebar on Facebook that tells me what my statuses said last year. It helps me remember and hold on to those last beloved months I had with you. But the one I saw today sat right in my throat:

Faith: "Mommy, what's a broken heart?" Me: "Oh sweet baby....I hope you never have to find out what that is."
 ·  · August 27, 2009 at 2:03pm

I had forgotten that moment until I read it. Then it came rushing back to me and made me sick. I specifically remember stopping to take a moment after this little conversation to pray for Faith and her heart, asking God to protect our baby girl. What's maddening is the irony. I would let Faith endure multiple broken hearts if it meant her daddy could be beside her through it, telling her and showing her what to look for in a good man. Her heart has been broken in a way that can never be fixed, nor can the extensiveness of the damage ever truly be measured.

I wonder what kind of idea or picture Faith must have had in her head when she asked me what a broken heart was. Life soon shower her a completely different picture of what it is. She knows my heart is broken. She knows you died cause your heart was broken. And she gets it because she's living it. A friend mentioned to me today that you could see it in her eyes how much she's grown up in the last year. It's true, she's had to step up and be a lot of things for me and for our family, and it's sad but incredible at the same time. What a girl, you'd be so proud of her.

I just wish I could protect her from her broken heart. I wish I could put it back together for her. I wish I could know when seh'll realize fully that it's broken. If only she didn't have to find out so soon...

My heart is broken for her tonight.

I miss you babe. Meet Faith in her dreams tonight.
I love you always.


Delaney said...

that is beautiful. your poor little girl.

Zookeeper Jess said...

It's a heartbreak no little girl should have to endure. Prayers always.

Nicole Courson said...

Wow, does your daughter look like her Uncle Brian or what?!?
I pray for you often, Veronica...

Desi said...

My heart breaks for her, and for you. I wish I could put it back together. And I wish I knew what to do to help you, but I just know there's nothing any of us can do, as life can be taken from us at any moment, and God is in control. No one has the answers to death. But I so wish I did, and wish I had the right words for you, and the perfect advice. Ugh it frustrates me that I can't help you. I pray that your heart, Faith's heart, Caleb and Carter's hearts, all get put back together.

Jo Julia said...

I've been listening to archived John Stott sermons here: http://www.allsouls.org/media/allmedia.aspx.

I'm finding the sermons he gave (very well known british theologian if you don't know- recently died)- hopeful. maybe its his british accent, but i feel like he has this authority when he speaks about God that makes me really believe all of this might be righted and we will see our husbands again.

living with a broken heart too...


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