I think I'm starting to realize what really matters.
I also think it's stupid, unfair, and absolutely heartbreaking that it takes such tragedies to make people realize what's really important. Don't get me wrong - you knew you were my number one. I always knew what was important, but now I KNOW.
When I think about the future it scares me half to death. I don't know what I want to do or where I want to go. All I know is I want to be surrounded by all the people I love. I see friends working their tails off to reach some monetary reward and I actually pity them now. I used to be one of them. I see statuses of people bragging about cool things they're doing at work, which is all well and good, but it's not what matters most.
On a day-to-day basis, I plan most of my time trying to figure out who I can spend time with. Lucky for me, I have a lot of incredible people in my life. And every time I get to see them, my thought is "I wonder when we'll get to hang out with them again" I know this situation I've been brought to can be used for good, to see what other cannot see. I'm trying to hold onto in and not resent it. Right now, it's still difficult. But I see the amazing men and women in my life, or your parents and sisters, or my mom and dad and brother, or those three little blue-eyed beauties we made - and I know.
I know what matters most.
Help me hold onto it babe. I miss you so very much.
I love you always and forever.
-from "Blessing for Mothers" - the last gift I received from my brother before he died
DAY 16: For Now
I woke this morning
At three o'clock
To crying in my ears.
I calmed my child
Tucked her in
Then thought of all the years
Of diaper changes
Feedings in the night
And told myself
Someday I'll sleep
But for now I'll hold her tight.