These faces get me every time.
They remind me of why I'm still here. They teach me patience and thoughtfulness. They keep life simple. But they also break my heart, because I see you in them and it aches. A constant reminder that you're not here to protect them or guide them, love them or lead them. It scares the hell outta me that Faith is such a pretty girl. I never worried about it before because I knew no guy would get past her daddy. What do I do now?!? I have anxiety thinking about it. Promise me you'll protect her from there.
They're also too smart for their own good. Today, we buried Brian and they were asking lots of questions, which I'm ok with. But as we each took turns putting dirt over Brian's ashes, I could see Faith's hesitation. Then, she asked me in the car "Mommy, how did Uncle Brian's body fit in that tiny box?" UGH. I didn't know how to answer, I didn't tell them you were cremated either. I told her to ask me when she's older. That didn't work. She said "I'm not that little." And she's right. She's growing up so fast and you're not here. I hate all of it. I hope my explanation didn't horrify her. She seemed content when I told her you and Uncle Brian couldn't feel a thing and that's what I wanted done when I died.
Then Caleb chimed in with a harder response: "Mommy, you said you weren't gonna die." If you didn't guess by now, I was already in tears. How do I explain that everyone dies but I would never leave them on purpose? How do I convey my desire to be in Heaven and my obligation to Daddy and God to love and protect them here? I know Caleb is really sorting out if I'm gonna leave him like you did. He must have said a hundred times today that he misses you and Uncle Brian. They used to believe me that people weren't supposed to die as young as you did, but now why would they? They wanna know who's next. It shouldn't be this way.
I just need some guidance with these two. I'm so worried about screwing them up.
I miss you.
I love you always.