these faces

These faces get me every time.

They remind me of why I'm still here. They teach me patience and thoughtfulness. They keep life simple. But they also break my heart, because I see you in them and it aches. A constant reminder that you're not here to protect them or guide them, love them or lead them. It scares the hell outta me that Faith is such a pretty girl. I never worried about it before because I knew no guy would get past her daddy. What do I do now?!? I have anxiety thinking about it. Promise me you'll protect her from there.

They're also too smart for their own good. Today, we buried Brian and they were asking lots of questions, which I'm ok with. But as we each took turns putting dirt over Brian's ashes, I could see Faith's hesitation. Then, she asked me in the car "Mommy, how did Uncle Brian's body fit in that tiny box?" UGH. I didn't know how to answer, I didn't tell them you were cremated either. I told her to ask me when she's older. That didn't work. She said "I'm not that little." And she's right. She's growing up so fast and you're not here. I hate all of it. I hope my explanation didn't horrify her. She seemed content when I told her you and Uncle Brian couldn't feel a thing and that's what I wanted done when I died. 

Then Caleb chimed in with a harder response: "Mommy, you said you weren't gonna die." If you didn't guess by now, I was already in tears. How do I explain that everyone dies but I would never leave them on purpose? How do I convey my desire to be in Heaven and my obligation to Daddy and God to love and protect them here? I know Caleb is really sorting out if I'm gonna leave him like you did. He must have said a hundred times today that he misses you and Uncle Brian. They used to believe me that people weren't supposed to die as young as you did, but now why would they? They wanna know who's next. It shouldn't be this way.

I just need some guidance with these two. I'm so worried about screwing them up.
I miss you.
I love you always.


Anonymous said...

God grant Vee wisdom in all aspects of life, especially with these little ones you've blessed her with. Give her strength to go through each day. May she have unfailing trust in You- that you see everything and have it all under control even though it doesn't seem like it.

My heart aches for you. May God grant you the grace to rise. He promises joy in the morning...

Weeping may tarry for the night,
but joy comes with the morning.
Psalm 30:5b

Jo Julia said...

yes- sunday naps. miss those.

"i'm so worried about screwing them up." me too- so much so that i'm probably making it worse.

here with you.

Anonymous said...

Prayers for you and your beautiful children. I pray that God gives you the strength to answer these difficult questions. Just know...you're an amazing mother. Much <3

Brooke said...

I read your letters daily, and they're always very moving. This one, however, really touched me. I'm so sorry that you have to explain such difficult things with your babies. Hoping for peace and guidance for you.

Glenda said...

This breaks my heart. Little ones shouldn't have to worry.

I remember being 13 and my younger sister 9 when my dad passed away. I slept with my mom for 3 yrs. At school I was always worried that something would happen to her and what would happen to me and my sister? My heart aches for your kids.

Peace & Strength


Anonymous said...

I always want to comment but never know what to say, to try and help, to offer peace, or comfort. I'll simply say this, you are loved by many, many people. You are extraordinary, honest, and as much as you may not always feel it, you are incredibly strong. I have an insane amount of respect for you and strive to be as faithful to the Lord as you are. I have to be honest when I read your blog I question God, but then when I see a little but of sunshine in your posts, it brings me back. If you are able to go through so much and still see some of the positive in things, then I should be able to as well. Thank you for being such an admirable woman. You are awesome Vee!!!


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