where you are

I went back to your tree stand today for the first time since you died. 

It seemed like a good idea - we were passing right by it on our way out to Fenton to look at cars. Beautiful day, kids had never been. However, I didn't take into account that the last time I was there, foliage was dead and the bush wouldn't be so grown up. I spent 15 minutes pushing a stroller through a tiny trail past thorns and thousands of mosquitos - yes, I could hear you laughing at me. So once we got there, we did not stay and immediately turned back around to go home.

But it's still there, exactly like I remember. I was angry with all the mosquitos cause I still just really want to sit out there and be with you there for awhile. A dead tree fell onto the tree with your stand in it, but everything else in untouched. It's hard to drive up there and walk through there without those haunting images but it's oddly comforting to be there.

I realized that I haven't spent much time at your stand, memorial, or grave. All these places to honor you, but I don't visit them as often as I thought I would. Your grave is where I mourn you most but it's too far away to visit often. Your memorial at the college makes me so proud of the man that you were, and I love to bring the kids there cause it's our special place, but it's not private and I can't leave things for you there. Your stand is where I feel you most, your presence in the place you loved most - the outdoors. Maybe cause I picture where you walked, what you've touched, where you've stood, but I could lay there with you forever.

I miss you baby. I wish I could find a place to stay beside you forever.
I love you always.

-from "Blessing for Mothers" - the last gift I received from my brother before he died
DAY 18: Your children - His creation
Among the many acts of gratitude we owe to God, it may be accounted one to study and contemplate the perfections and beauties of His work of creation. Every new discover must necessarily raise in us a fresh sense of the greatness, wisdom, and power of God. 

1 comment:

megan said...

going back for the first time is a huge, huge thing.

love you.


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